“Do my parents hate me?” Children across the world are wondering whether their parents hate them due to various reasons. Dealing with such a notion can weary a child’s mind doesn’t matter how old and can affect adulthood. Here are clear signs that your parents hate you and what you can do about it.
Some parents go beyond hatred and they abuse you mentally and/or physically. If this is what’s happening to you, stop reading this article right now and call the National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-900-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453).
When you were at an early age, you might think that your parents love you more than anything else. For the majority of the cases, this is true. Your parents may as well love you and cherish your existence in their lives.
However, some children may find their parents having a lowered level of affection towards them as they grow up. This is not completely wrong.
When you enter your teenage year, you start developing your ideas and set of rules to live your life with. This is what makes you unique and exceptional from others.
That being said, due to these varied values, you are bound to think and live differently than your parents. This may develop a certain level of stiffness in the relationship between you and your parents.
Transitioning from childhood to adulthood can be a really difficult period for both parents and children. Some pass through it while maintaining a healthy association whereas others end up developing mixed feelings.
Over time these subtle differences may take a sharp turn and replace the love your parents felt for you in childhood, with a feeling of hatred.
Do My Parents Hate Me?
Hate, love, happy, sad. Those are some words to describe feelings that humans cannot truly prove whether they are real or fake. When your parents do something that you don’t like, you cannot have a scientific explanation or direct proof of why you’re displeased.
When you express to your best buddy that “I hate my parents”, he or she will not ask “can you prove it?”
The reason why you feel that your parents hate you may be categorized into two;
(1) it is a one-sided emotional rage and hates that you feel due to the unpleasant experience your parents give you, or
(2) it is the actual mistreatment and abuse you receive from your parents.
First, you need to distinguish between these two and identify which category your parents’ hatred falls into. Check this explanation to find out.
First Category: “My Parents Hate Me”
There are cases where your perception that your parents hate you speak for itself. When mistreatment and abuse are involved in the relationship, it is time to speak up and ask for help.
Some children experience mental and physical abuse from their parents. It can break your heart as a child and can destroy you as a person. In such a situation, it is better to leave the family and distance yourself from your parents.
Get professional help and take your time to recover. Your parents are not suitable to be parents and you should not stay in touch with such toxic parents.
Second Category: “I Think My Parents Hate Me”
From your perspective as a son or daughter of parents, what your parents do may seem unreasonable and unnecessary. All the restrictions of social gathering, punishment for getting home past curfew, and the consequences of not doing the chores given to you appear to be acts of injustice.
Parents reprimand their children for breaking the rules to keep them safe and introduce common consequences. This is known as tough love because it is also hard for parents to punish their children.
No, your parents don’t enjoy your suffering.
See within yourself and double-check what you did. Do you feel that your parents hate you because you broke some set of ethics in the house and had to do chores as a punishment?
If this is the case, it may be possible that the reason “why my parents hate me” is just a short-term emotional roller coaster triggered by an unpleasant situation. Your parents do not hate you. That is just your self-defense telling.
You refused to be held responsible for your actions and justified those misdeeds with a simpler solution: “my parents hate me. Otherwise, why would they do that to me?”
Do My Parents Hate Me? 10 Signs to Tell
There are ways to determine how your parents truly feel towards you. Some parents are not expressive when it comes to emotional feelings. Others can easily say I love you in a blink of an eye even after you messed up and deliver their affection in words.
I’ll be honest with you.
My parents, up to this day, never say those three words. Not to me or my other siblings. They simply just don’t say it. But we children know that they love us because they show affection in action.
These quick signs may help you determine if your parents hate you.
#1 Do your parents make time for you?
Parenthood is hard and both parents are often busy. Especially when both of your parents work.
However, loving parents will make sure that they have time to listen to you. It may not be a long hour of a football match or a try-our in a new beauty parlor. But they will make time, for example during dinner, to ask you how your day was.
When your parents hate you, they won’t bother making time to listen about your day. You become insignificant to them. Even when you try to start a conversation, it always ends up when you stop talking.
#2 Do they help you with your problem?
When you come to your parents telling you that you’re currently facing a problem, how do they react? Do they ask you if you need help or help you right away? Because both are great.
But when your parents appear to be disinterested in your concern and even tell you to figure it out yourself, this is a mild sign that your parents hate you.
#3 Do they follow up on the problem you’ve been telling them?
Responsible parents who have a healthy relationship with their children want to catch up with your news. Once you told them that you were having a problem, they would ask again if you had solved it or if you needed further help.
When your parents are neglecting your problem even when you’ve told them you need their help, this is a sign that your parents do not care as much as they should.
#4 How do your parents treat your sibling (if you have any)?
Another way to spot if your parents hate you is to see how they treat your sibling(s). It may not always be visible and you need to grow a sharp feeling.
Remember that parents do treat their children differently from one another due to age differences, maturity level, or even disability.
An easier way to do this is to do the same thing as your sibling and see if your parents give you a different reaction compared to when your sibling does it.
#5 Do your parents listen to your concerns?
Parents are naturally concerned about their children. Doesn’t matter how old, loving parents will listen to your concerns and problems. If they make time and listen properly while you’re addressing an issue, it is a sign that your parents love you.
Even when they are busy, they promise that they’ll make time for you, and then they do. If you share your concerns with hateful parents, they tend to downplay it.
#6 Have you heard unpleasant stories your parents told outsiders?
Yes, parents talk about their children. Loving parents will only let the good stories out and tell their friends how such a good kid you are. Even when you think what you did was not impressive and you’re even embarrassed that your parents were so proud of you.
On the other side, hateful parents will complain to their inner circle about you and even tell exaggerated stories to give an impression of how bad you are as a kid. This can be a valid sign if your parents hate you
#7 Are you comfortable sharing opinions with them?
A parent-child relationship is valuable and should be maintained by both parties. Sharing opinions without judgment and criticism can be a good sign that you’ve been able to keep the relationship healthy and balanced.
If you’re not able to do that, your parents have failed you on developing a functioned parent-child relationship.
#8 Have your parents ever hit you?
Sometimes, you messed up so badly that your parents hit you. If this is the case, it’s your time to ponder and reflect. Maybe you disappointed your parents a lot and they just lost it.
However, if they hit you for small mistakes such as missing a curfew, forgetting your books at school, or going to a place where you shouldn’t be, it is already physical abuse.
Ask help from your close circle of family relatives, especially when it’s been happening more than once.
#9 Have your parents ever called you names?
As a child, you take labels seriously. Especially when it comes to your parents. Calling names is never a good approach to raise any kids. Ever.
Some parents call their children fatty, dumb, stupid, and other negative names. This is not OK and you should confront them. If you’re under 18, get assistance from an adult to have this talk with your parents. It can be your uncle or aunt, your grandparents, your teacher at school, or someone with authority.
If your parents often call you horrible names such as d***, c***, b****, or w****, it’s a glaring sign that you should get away from them. Something is wrong with your parents and you should get outside help.
#10 Do you hate your parents?
The last important question is, do you hate your parents?
The hatred didn’t just come in one day. It’s a built-up rage from consecutive events that happened to you during a certain period of time.
Some children are forgiving. Doesn’t matter how bad their parents treated them, they would always accept their parents as they are.
It’s okay if you hate your parents for your own reason. I don’t expect you to forgive them immediately. It may take weeks, months, or even years before you are ready to forgive your parents’ misdeeds and let yourself heal.
Understanding The Reason
Whenever you feel like your parents have started to hate you, there is a dire need to realize that, just like you, they are going through an emotional battle. It is common among people to make mistakes.
Instead of blaming everything on them, you need to understand that this problem will not be solved without putting in sincere efforts. For this, you will have to make the most of the opportunities presented to you.
Even if you do not agree with them on basic life principles, try to gather some common points to work on. You will have to be persistent in such situations. Give your parents enough space so that they can figure out everything with their own approach. Try to talk to them when you and your parents are in a calm and relaxed mood.
Moreover, nothing will benefit this relationship more than spending time together. It will present you with golden openings that can lead you to transform unfavorable feelings.
If you want to improve your relationship with your parents, you must solve them logically and reasonably. Try to eliminate as much bias and prejudice as you can. If you want to, you can also share your problem with your friends to gain insights.
Furthermore, it is just as important and crucial to analyze your own behavior. You will not be able to figure out your next rational step unless you have a complete understanding of what is going on inside your mind.
#1 Getting Assessed On Outdated Values
As any logical mind would come to think of, the world in which you are living right now is a lot different from the one in which your parents were brought up. This means that an entirely different group of values were used to raise your parents.
Thinking of bringing up today’s children with the same values is absurd and irrational. We can evaluate the significance of this point by considering the amount of shift our world has gone through just over the past couple of decades.
This speaks of the fact that our societies have evolved so rapidly. We cannot measure a person’s personality or character with rigid rules. Just like every person is different, every generation has its characteristics and quirks.
Disregarding this fact motivates your parents to think of your choices as unreasoned. When your parents try to inflict a fixed value system in the house, as their elders did, this is where things start getting worse. Of course, these values are perfect for anyone living in the 1950s but cannot be applied to modern societal norms.
When you start pursuing choices that are not in line with those standards and morals, your parents start hating you and your decision-making.
#2 Falling Short Of Predestined Ambitions
The second most common aspect that introduces hatred for children among parents is their deficient performance. Our academic and other social systems have started to put a lot of pressure upon students and teenagers.
Mostly, parents expect their children to outperform their expectations so that they can feel proud. However, not everyone can do so. Authoritative parents tend to force or influence their child in taking up fields that do not match his/her primary interests.
This hinders children from realizing the dreams that were set out by their parents. Improved levels of disappointment are strongly linked with detrimental feelings, including hatred.
When you do not come up to the prospects your parents set for you, slowly and gradually they start feeling disappointed. Parents need to realize that not everyone is meant to top the class. They need to grant their children enough space so that they can pursue whatever they want.
#3 Conformity To Demanding Schedules
In the modern era, our lives and routines have become progressively fast. Due to heavily occupied schedules, people are not able to find time for their families. This has disturbed the social fabric significantly.
Because parents and children are not giving enough time to each other, feelings of hatred, abhorrence, and detestation can be commonly seen. Parents find themselves busy with their office work and colleagues whereas children are either preoccupied with studies or hanging out with their friends.
As a grown child, this severely limits the time you can spend with your parents. This results in increased dissatisfaction and frustration. Overextended periods, this trend can effortlessly blow this frustration into full-scale resentment and hostility.
What to Do If My Parents Hate Me?
As a son or daughter, it can be quite overwhelming when your parents hate you. When you discover this fact, your world may crumble, and even perhaps, you are unsure how to proceed in life from now on.
When this is what happened to you, it is better to take a break. Get some space and go for a walk. Better Help suggests writing down your thoughts and taking deep breaths. Once you’re feeling calm, communicate your feelings to your parents, and set expectations for both of you.
Communicating how you feel can significantly help you and your parents to understand each other. Express your feelings of being hated to them and ask if they do think so.
Some parents are oblivious about how their children feel. Honestly uttering your feelings can ensure that your parents know how you feel while at the same time you can confirm whether or not it’s true that your parents hate you.
Try something such as, “Mom, Dad. I have the impression that both of you dislike me. From the way you treat me and how things have been going, I cannot shake those feelings that you hate me.”
Start with those sentences and see how they respond.
Upon hearing such a statement, oblivious but loving parents will dig down deeper to find out why you feel that way and discover ways on how to make those feelings go away.
If this is the case with your parents, it means they do love you. The hatred that you felt may be triggered by something else, but taking an impression as if your parents hate you.
However, if your parents appear to be hostile or even confirming that they do hate you, and start making a scene with you, it’s now a confirmed case.
There are many levels of hate. Your parents may hate you or just dislike you. To discover to which degree your parents hate you, you need to build a tough mentality and start having conversations.
It’s Time to Reflect
When you discover that your parents hate you, it is a good time to reflect and ask questions to yourself. Chances are that you bring this to yourself. It’s not 100% your fault, but you may have contributed some parts to it.
Think back about yourself and your past, try to discover what wrongs you did.
Did I do something that greatly upset my parents? Have I crossed a defined set of ethics in the household? Did I hurt someone who is important to my parents? Have I embarrassed my parents with my deeds?
The list goes on and only you know what questions to ask yourself.
Once you gather possible reasons on why your parents hate you, it’s time to work on those and set things straight by having a conversation with your parents.
How Do You Get Parents to Listen To You?
“How can I even talk to my parents? My parents hate my guts!”
At this point, you may be thinking that those steps above are too far fetched. Especially when your relationship with your mom and dad is already going south.
It’s frustrating sometimes that your parents do not listen to you, especially when you can tell that the hatred has taken a place.
Depending on your age, there are many reasons why your parents don’t listen to you and how you should react to that. If you’re a minor, your parents have considerable power over you and you need to maintain your calm and sanity.
The best way to approach your parents is by showing maturity and not flip. Keep your cool and calmly deliver your point.
This step-by-step guide can help you out in terms of initiating a sincere conversation with your parents.
#1 Listen first
The fundamental of every communication is reciprocity. If you want to be listened to, the first step you need to take is to actively listen.
Listen to your parents and be attentive to what they are saying, not what they aren’t. Some kids listen to answers and I am not saying that those are wrong.
But there is this best way to do that will make your parents eventually listen to you; listen to understand.
This is the first step you need to take to be guaranteed that your parents will listen to you.
#2 Set your goal
Before starting the conversation, think about what you need. What do you want to be the outcome of the discussion?
Do you need your parents to understand what you’re going through? Or, do you want to get out of your feelings?
Is your goal to make them stop mistreating you? Or do you want them to forgive you?
Deciding what outcome you need can greatly help you think of what you will say in the discussion.
Be aware that perhaps you will not get what you need and that’s okay. Do not let one failure discourage you. If you think what you need is important and there is no harm in it, you can calm down and talk about it again later.
#3 Place and timing is everything
When it comes to talking to your parents who possibly hate you, you need to choose your timing wisely. There are moments when your parents are not the most stressed. Choose those moments as it lowers the chance for the conversation to become hostile.
For example, weekends are the best choices to start delivering your thoughts and have a calm discussion either with your Dad, Mom, or even both of them at the same time.
Pay attention to what time your parents are idle and choose the best place to start. This can be when you’re helping with the household or driving in the car.
You can also put a lot of thought into their emotions. This can improve your chance of being heard.
#4 Deliver in a calm and collected manner
Your goal is to have a conversation, not to confront them. It is important to remain calm and do not get defensive when things turn out wrong.
If you flip out when you get a no, you will just further prove your parents’ point that they should not listen to you. To actually make your parents listen, you have to prove yourself to be a mature individual with a peaceful state of mind.
Give them the impression that you are a mature individual and that you’re confident with your words. Make yourself believe that there is no need to shout out words or yell.
Be clear with your words. Do not raise your voice and avoid aggressive gestures. If you think your parents’ reaction may flip you out, sitting down is recommended to help you maintain calm.
When your parents disagree with what you say and you cannot reach your goal, you have to accept it. This applies more when you are a minor and you should listen to them.
#5 Say what they want to hear
Your parents have expectations. Likes and dislikes. Mentioning a few things that they do want to hear can ease your way to deliver a smooth conversation. It is also a guaranteed way to make your parents listen to you.
People tend to pay attention and listen to things they want to hear. Otherwise, they will mostly ignore it as it could trigger unpleasant feelings within themselves.
You need to know which button to push so you can get your parents’ attention and start listening to what you want to say. Once they find out that you’re uttering things they’ve wanted to hear especially from you, they will listen attentively.
#6 Get someone on your side
Sometimes, your parents won’t budge and will not listen to you for whatever reason. They may avoid talking to you and you cannot express yourself well.
Though conversation can also take your emotional side.
When you’ve failed to induce conversation with your parents all by yourself, it’s time to get outside help. Reach out to your extended families such as aunts, uncles, or grandparents.
Tell them what you’re going through and that you need help to have a conversation with your parents.
The problem-solving suggestions I mentioned above are general. There are many factors that cause children to think that their parents hate them.
For example, it varies from ages, maturity level, mental state, culture, relationship situations, and even other family members who may or may not be involved in your situation.
But I do hope that what I wrote here can benefit you and help you gather insights on how to deal with hatred and dislikes that come from your parents.
Lastly, both parents and children need to realize that every relationship is minimum two-sided. In order to maintain a healthy and strong parent-child relationship, both parties will have to put in maximum effort.
You must spend quality time with your parents so that your family can move towards having a much more durable bond. As a fully grown child, you will have to understand that there will be compromises on both ends.
Try to discuss everything with the purpose that there are absolutely no chances of any kind of misunderstanding. Confusions will only work against you as you try to mend an already broken relationship.
Children facing hateful parents is a serious problem in a family. When your parents are actively abusing you either verbally, mentally, or physically, ask help immediately.
Although it is likely that your mom and dad may dislike you due to your own misbehavior.
Take your time to reflect and identify what you did wrong in the past is a reasonable step to take.
Having said that, here are 10 signs you can tell if you ever question yourself “why do my parents hate me?”
- Do your parents make time for you? Even though parents are busy with their responsibility and burden, loving mom and dad will always try to free their time for you.
- Do they help you with your problem? Do they follow up on the problem you’ve been telling them? These two questions are signs that your parents care about you.
- How do your parents treat your sibling (if you have any)? Sibling rivalry is common, especially if you and your siblings are the same gender.
- Do your parents listen to your concerns? Hateful parents may not want to listen to your problem as they’re already burned by their own.
- Have you heard unpleasant stories your parents told outsiders? If you pick up bad stories about yourself from neighbors or outer circle of your family, it’s a sign that someone is a telltale. It may be the parents who hate you.
- Are you comfortable sharing opinions with them? Parent-child relationship should be close and non-judgmental to the point where you can safely share your thoughts.
- Have your parents ever hit you? Physical abuse can be severe. Try to differentiate if your parents hit you for no reason and ask for help. Although, it doesn’t negate the chance that your parents might just lose it due to your bad misconducts.
- Have your parents ever called you names? When the answer is yes, it’s a glaring sign that your parents hate you.
- Do you hate your parents? It seems only fair to hate the parents who hate you first. But forgiving is the first step to take to begin healing.
- Understand the reason why your parents hate you. Set aside all prejudices and biases to see why your parents treat you the way they do. Then, only if you want, put sincere effort to mend the family ties.