“Yes, I hate my parents.” That’s the word I came up with when my friend once asked me out of the blue. Little did I know that growing up, I have unconsciously carried such hatred in my life, and it affected me as an individual.
Being parents is not as easy as flipping your hands. You will find many challenges and consequences ahead with no exception. To become parents, you have to prepare everything such as emotional, moral, and even financial plan.
Failing to do so may lead into your kid hating you.
No one other than your kids can indeed tell you exactly why they have such feelings towards you.
However, it falls into parents’ responsibility to provide and support their children’s mental health growing up. And addressing why a child is expressing or even curbing their anger and hatred towards parents
Acknowledging the Pain
I know that I’ve hated my parents. It is such an exhausting feeling towards both of them, especially my father.
When you hear the word “father”, one thing that comes to mind is a hero as he’s the one who sacrifices his own life to serve family members by fulfilling foods on the table.
I’m ashamed to say this that I still don’t have the same way of thinking. It’s something that I have to think over and over again.
Once, a question hits me. Does this “father” is really destined for me or just part of my tragic life?
Over the past 25 years, I just keep looking for the one who will be the right role model. Most people choose father as their role model or even someone who is considered as their first love because father “can understand their feelings deeply”. But not for me.
He always forces me to follow his religiosity, yet he often shows his arrogance and proclaims as a pious one, which is literally yikes. And I don’t think it is the purpose of religion.
Furthermore, he is always mad at anything I do. He doesn’t have any positive thoughts about his child. And the outrageous thing is he never takes much effort to feed his family well.
Eventually, he lets his family in hunger. And it makes me even truly hate my father so much. He is the worst father ever. I’m stressed out. I just want to leave the house immediately and live on my own.
Well, it is one of the cases that you might have done to your children as well.
You have to know that every child has their own passions and hobbies. It can help them to shape and develop their hard nor soft skills. When you forbid or ruin it, then it will be disappointing and frustrating.
Passion is like you find an exciting toy to play with a brand new thing inside. You love the color, shape, and size. Then that’s become your second nature–bringing it to wherever you go, just like it’s supposed to be stuck with you forever.
However, it changes suddenly. When someone intentionally breaks it without knowing that you really like to play it.
In this digital era, gaming becomes an engaging activity which has a great vogue around children. It provides a lot of visual varieties to enjoy and admire. Besides, it allows for creating more connections or society.
Your children start to love doing it. Instead of being supportive of your children, you decide to forbid your children to keep up on it. It’s so aggravating, as you have taken away your children’s hope to be a successful gamer in the future.
A disagreement between parents and children frequently happens.
Deep and challenging disagreement can affect children’s growth, which is signed by feeling depressed. Because you often insist your child to follow your thought, thus it gets worse when it doesn’t fit into their mind and passion.
Why The Hate Happens
According to Taylor Bennett on Thriveworks who describes four causes of hatred, those are; desire for independence, phase of rebellion, media exposure, and differing morals or lifestyles.
And the most influencing cause of all is the phase of rebellion. It appears in the adolescence period as the beginning of changes.
You are an adult. You have already been through most of the periods.
Infancy is known as the first year of life after birth, which grows even faster than puberty.
Trying to walk and sit are the primary things to do. Therefore, they wouldn’t get any problems ahead.
On the other hand, adolescence is a period of changes. It is the beginning of puberty and adulthood. It means that your child will have physical, significant mental, emotional, and social changes.
You may think that you have attempted more efforts to take care of your children.
But, in the development period of adolescence, there is a phase called the rebellion phase. Where love, fear, and freedom desires as will emerge mood swings, rule-breaking, and risk behavior.
Your child begins seeking attention to the opposite gender. But they will feel anxious as they are afraid of losing what they have. Nobody can change or ruin it.
Adolescence is between the ages of 9 and 13, which commonly occurs serious rebellion that has been conveyed by An author and psychologist Dr Carl Pickard.
Laursen & Collins (2009) also added that rapid physical, emotional and social changes. In this period of adolescence may result in heightened conflict and diminished closeness within some parent-child relationships.
There is a statistic related to this issue conducted around 2017-2018 and posted on Growing Up in Australia. It shows that approximately 30% of mothers reported having at least some parent-child conflict when their child was 12–13 years old. A similar proportion of mothers reported some conflict when their child was 14–15.
Meanwhile, fathers’ reports of experiencing parent-child conflict were slightly lower than those of mothers.
Some aspects of conflicts are likely about disagreeing and fighting.
That could be disagreeing about using social media, spending time with television, or even in more crucial things like the religious cover as the kinds of my experience mentioned above.
“I Hate My Parents”, How It Affects Your Children
Despite the phase of rebellion, the way of parent’s upbringing can also affect your child’s growth.
You know that kids are naive as you might probably have realized that you were not as wise as you are.
It would help if you taught your children about anything around, and that is what you as parents should do.
If you are being too authoritative and giving such strict rules, your child will think that you are not a cool homie anymore.
That kind of situation can trigger a distance between you and your child that emerges as silence and stress.
As Eric S. Maisel Ph.D. on Psychology Today says, some aspects can affect your children’s behavior. Such as bigotry and prejudice, deceit, violence, religious cover, shaming behaviors, etc.
Those acts result in some neglectful impacts on your child’s behavior, such as the inability to make decisions because your child is afraid of being criticized and judged by you.
So that your child would be susceptible to guilt and shame, your child will also be like loss of self for incapability to choose their way to live.
Having different thoughts with your child doesn’t mean you have to throw them away from home. Home should be a safe place to stay.
As long as your child’s decision or thought is still on the right track, you should support and sustain what they want.
Your emotional tension can be one of the factors that ignite that hatred.
For instance, yelling and shouting. Both are categorized as violence or an abusive act following the effect that your child will have afterwards.
When you are full of anger, you will shout at your child. However, you have to pinpoint that yelling/shouting is not the right way to solve the situation.
Yelling is a verbal act, but it will affect your child physically.
There is a story from Roald Dahl called Matilda. It tells about a young girl who is passionate about reading. Yet, her parents never pay attention and humiliate her passion then make her so emotional and naughty girl at the end. It is a children’s story, but it can be a warning for parents to respect their children.
In that case, the conclusion states that parents may trigger hatred on children.
Research has shown that negligent acts will provoke long-term effects like anxiety, low self-esteem, and if you are aggressive to your child; hence it can affect your child’s increased aggression. It is fatal when it has happened to your child.
You might have heard a proverb says, like father like a son or like mother like daughter.
This proverb gives a depiction of how an ideal family should be built by similarities, whether in their characters, thoughts, or moralities.
But in what kind of similarities if it is hurtful and damaging your child?
For instance, I grew up in a small village, live with strict parents who fall under the category of strictly religious parents.
For some people, having parents like them can help you attain a peaceful life. But as time flies, I understand that is not enough to be religious, as for the fact that life is not only about faith.
Besides faith, I realized that character building is vastly important to be able to survive in any situation.
Had I liked to tell my parents that I wanted to be a hard-working woman and they should support whatever I wanted to. Whereas, they gave me nothing. Which eventually I try to develop myself on my own.
Therefore, you should be able to lead your child into various kinds of personality building, not only into one thing you have.
Letting Go of the Hatred to Heal
Some people think that becoming parents is a gift for how the world becomes so kind and generous. Otherwise, there are so many things that will change, and you have to overcome the circumstances. Sincerely.
Once you realize your child is in the stage of rebellion, you might find it challenging to deal with their complex changes. There are ways or steps to figure it out to prevent inconvenient situations between you and your child.
#1. Recognize rebelliousness
There must be a cause and effect of everything. You can find your children’s rebellious desires by bending to their acts or behaviors. You may have caused or prohibited something without compelling reasons. Such an action can lead to your children showing rebellion. Your strict rules might cause hatred when you don’t take care of it seriously enough.
#2. Evaluating your act and decision
Maybe you force them to do something that they don’t want to do. You should retrospect and make it suitable for your child’s desire. Stay calm and in control when you are trying to reach them out about your decision. Your child will become so sensitive about anything, especially when they notice it is not common around their peer group.
#3. Accepting your child’s decision
Your child has their way of thinking and perception. For instance, you see something from the B side, and your child sees it from the A-side. Listen to them by paying attention in depth. If it sounds logical, be flexible by accepting it as part of their independence for deciding what they want. This kind of autonomy will affect their growth and maturity in the future.
After doing the steps, your child will bit by bit release their hatred as you change your understanding and attention towards them. They will feel worthy and respectful again. That’s the role of a family–should be a home where love, caring, and nurturing are well-off.